Purgatory is worse than hell

Because at least in hell you know you're finished

This week has tested my limits to the edge of what I thought possible for me mentally. I’ve had more hectic and more demanding weeks but never like this. Never with this pressure. And as I write this my fears still haven’t been assuaged and I’m not at peace. Every day I’m reminded of life's transactional, impersonal nature and I know that I have to carve out a niche, a protective covering that I can hide in. But not a delusion like everyone else. A true understanding of the reality of my life, a conscious decision to live the reality I construct. This week I was faced with having to do a project without knowing whether I was moving to the next phase. I retook the first code challenge, and never got my score back. I realize now that failing was an option when it came to the retake. All that would happen would be I’d go back to the first cohort. But I’m an avenger like Sasuke would say. I am so used to fighting with everything I have. I hate realizing things after the fact.