Strange times in the life and times

OCT 3 2022

This weekend has been strange. I’ve been still, mentally. In all honesty, it’s probably the first time my mind has been still since I was a child. I’ve always dealt with a million thoughts a minute from a very young age. And this weekend I was still. No thoughts of impending doom, no self-deprecating ideas, no desire to seek out validation from others. It’s been strange.

I feel this way because I aced my code challenge on the first try, after having not passed my last one. It’s a strange feeling and it's been a strange few weeks. I haven’t written one of these in a while, and that’s because of the cycles or revolutions of thought that I’ve been going through. Two trips to meet up with old friends and getting held back because of not passing my code challenge, I’ve changed a lot.

My little sister who is also taking this bootcamp said something like, “This coding thing isn’t about coding, it's about confronting yourself.” And how more true could that be? This experience, my nightmarish experience after losing my job, losing friends, redefining my relationship with my mother, coming to grips with reality, and accepting my own personal reality, and all the awakenings I have had in the last nearly three years. All of them needed to happen in the exact way they did, everything had to be the way it was so that I could be who I am at this moment.

So that’s my return to rewriting these. I feel still, as Kanye said in his Forbes interview a few years back. I don’t subscribe to the Nigerian or Christian idea of curses or recurring failure. But I am aware of the fact that I’ve struggled in school to nail tests or assignments on the first try. That is probably why I feel so still right now. Maybe this is the beginning of a new me.